You know how the matters are with me (Peri\ me\n tw~n e0mw~n pragma/twn e0pi/stasai), and you have heard me say how I think it is to our advantage that this should happen (kai\ w(j nomi/zw sumfe/rein h9mi=n genome/nwn tou/twn a0kh/koaj); and I claim (a0ciw& de/) that I should not fail to achieve what I ask (mh\ dia\ tou=to a0tuxh=sai w{n de/omai) because I happen not to be in love with you (o3ti ou0k e0rasth\j w!n sou tugxa/nw). Those in love repent of the services they do (w(j e0kei/noij me\n to/te metame/lei w{n a2n eu] poih/swsin) when their desire ceases (e0peida\n th=j e0piqumi/aj pau/swntai); there is no time for repentance for the others (toi=j de\ ou0k e1sti xro/noj e0n w|$ metagnw~nai prosh/kei). For they render services with regard to their own capacity to render them, not under compulsion but of their own choosing, in the way in which they would best look after their own affairs (Ou0 ga\r u9p’ a0na/gkhj a0ll’ e9ko/ntej, w(j a2n a1rista peri\ tw~n oi0kei/wn bouleu/sainto, pro\j th\n du/namin th\n au9tw~n eu] poiou=sin). Again (e1ti de/), those who are in love consider the damage they did to their own interests (oi9 me\n e0rw~ntej skopou=sin a3 te kakw~j die/qento tw~n au9tw~n) because of their love (dia\ to\n e1rwta) and the services they have performed (kai\ a4 pepoih/kasin eu]), and adding in the labour they put in (kai\ o4n ei]xon po/non prostiqe/ntej) they think they have long since given return enough to the objects of their love (h9gou=ntai pa/lai th\n a0ci/an a0podedwke/nai xa/rin toi=j e0rwme/noij); whereas those not in love (toi=j de\ mh\ e0rw&sin) cannot allege neglect of their own interests because of it (ou1te th\n tw~n oi0kei/wn a0me/leian dia\ tou=to e1stin profasi/zesqai), nor reckon up their past labours (ou1te tou\j parelhluqo/taj po/nouj u9pologi/zesqai), nor complain of their quarrels with their relatives (ou1te ta\j pro\j tou\j prosh/kontaj diafora\j ai0tia/sasqai); so that with all these troubles removed (w#ste perih|rhme/nwn tosou/twn kakw~n) there is nothing left (ou0de\n e0pilei/petai) but to perform eagerly (a0ll’h2 poiei=n proqu/mwj) whatever actions they think will please the other party (o3ti a2n au0toi=j oi1wntai pra/cantej xariei=sqai). Again (e1ti de/), if it is right to put a high value on those in love, because they say they show the greatest degree of affection to those they love (ei0 dia\ tou=to a1cion tou=j e0rw~ntaj peri\ pollou= poiei=sqai, o3ti tou/touj ma/lista/ fasin filei=n w{n a2n e0rw~sin), and are ready (kai\ e9toimoi/ ei0si) to say (kai\ e0k tw~n lo/gwn) and to do (kai\ e0k tw~n e1rgwn) what will incur the enmity of everyone else (toi=j a1lloij a0pexqano/menoi), if it pleases their beloved (toi=j e0rwme/noij xari/zesqai), it is easy to see (r(a=|dion gnw~nai), if they are telling the truth (ei0 a0lhqh= le/gousin), that they will put a higher value on anyone they fall in love with later than on them (o3ti o3swn a2n u3steron e0rasqw~sin, e0kei/nouj au0tw~n peri\ plei/onoj poih/sontai), and clear too that (kai\ dh=lon o3ti) they will maltreat them, if their new love requires it (e0a\n e0kei/noij dokh=| kai\ tou/touj kakw~j poih/sousin). What is more, how is it reasonable to give away such a thing to someone who has an affliction of such a kind (kai/toi pw~j ei0ko\j e0sti toiou=ton pra=gma proe/sqai tiau/thn e1xonti sumfora/n), which no person with experience of it would even try to avert (h4n ou0d’ a2n e0pixeirh/seie ou0dei\j e1mpeiroj w@n a0potre/pein)? For they themselves agree (kai\ ga\r au0toi\ o9mologou=si) that they are sick rather than in their right mind (nosei=n ma=llon h2 swfronei=n), and that they know that they are out of their mind (kai\ ei0de/nai o3ti kakw~j fronou=sin), but cannot control themselves (a0ll’ ou0 du/nasqai au9tw~n kratei=n); so how (w#ste pw~j a1n), when they come to their senses (eu] fronh/santej), could they approve of the decisions they make when in this condition (tau=ta kalw~j e1xein h9gh/sainto peri\ w{n ou3tw diakei/menoi bouleu/ontai;)? Moreover, if you were to choose the best out of those in love with you (kai\ me\n dh\ ei0 me\n e0k tw~n e0rw~ntwn to\n be/ltiston ai9roi=o), your choice would be only from a few (e0c o0li/gwn a1n soi h9 e1klecij ei1h), while if you choose the most congenial to you out of the rest (ei0 d’ e0k tw~n a1llwn to\n sautw~| e0pithdeio/taton), it would be from many (e0k pollw~n); so that you would have a much greater expectation of chancing on a man worthy of your affection, among the many (w#ste polu\ plei/wn e0lpi\j e0n toi=j polloi=j o1nta tuxei=n to\n a1cion th=j sh=j fili/aj).
‘Now if you are afraid of the established
convention (Ei0
toi/nun to\n no/mon to\n kaqesthko/ta de/doikaj),
that if people find out (mh\
puqome/nwn tw~n a0nqrw&pwn) you will
be subject to censure (o1neido/j
soi ge/nhtai), the likelihood is
(ei0ko/j e0sti) that those in love (tou\j me\n e0rw~ntaj), thinking they would be envied by everyone else,
too (ou3twj a2n oi0ome/nouj
kai\ u9po\ tw~n a1llwn zhlou=sqai),
just as they envy themselves (w#sper
au9tou\j u9f’
au9tw~n), will be on tiptoe (e0parqh=nai) with talking about it (tw~| le/gein) and boastfully display (kai\ filotimoume/nouj e0pidei/knusqai) to all and sundry (pro\j a3pantaj) that they
have not laboured in vain (o3ti
ou0k a1llwj au0toi=j pepo/nhtai); whereas
those not in love (tou\j
de\ mh\ e0rw~ntaj), who are in
control of themselves (krei/ttouj
au9tw~n o1ntaj), will choose what is best rather
than to have people think highly of them (to\ be/ltiston a0nti\ th=j do/chj th=j para\ tw~n a0nqrw&pwn
ai9rei=sqai). And again (e1ti de/),
those in love are bound to be heard about and seen following their loved ones (tou\j me\n e0rw&ntaj pollou\j a0na/gkh
puqe/sqai kai\ i0dei=n a0kolouqou=ntaj toi=j e0rwme/noij) and making this their business (kai\ e1rgon tou=to poioume/mouj), so that when they are seen in conversation
with each other (w#ste
o3tan o0fqw~si dialego/menoi a0llh/loij),
people think that they are together in the context of passion spent or soon to
be spent (to/te au0tou\j
oi1ontai h2 gegenhme/nhj h2 mellou/shj e1sesqai th=j e0piqumi/aj sunei=nai); whereas those not in love (tou\j de\ mh\ e0rw~ntaj) no one even tries to blame for their being
together (ou0d’ ai0tia=sqai dia\ th\n sunousi/an
e0pixeirou=sin), since they know (ei0do/tej) that it is necessary (o3ti a0nagkai=o/n e0stin) to talk to someone, either because of
friendship (h2 dia\
fili/an tw~| diale/gesqai) or for the sake
of the enjoyment of something else (h2 di’ a1llhn tina\ h9donh/n).
Moreover (kai\ me\n
dh/), if you are frightened (ei1 soi de/oj pare/sthken) by the thought (h9goun=me/nw|) that it is difficult for affection to last (xalepo\n ei=nai fili/an summe/nein), and that while under other circumstances (kai\ a1llw| me\n tro/pw|) the occurrence of a quarrel (diafora\j genome/nhj) is a misfortune shared by both parties (koinh\n a0mfote/roij katasth=nai th\n
diafora/n), it is on you that great injury
would be inflicted, if you have given away what you value most (proeme/nou de/ sou a4 peri\ plei/stou poih=|
mega/lhn a1n soi bla/bhn a2n gene/sqai)
– in that case you should fear those in love more (ei0ko/twj a2n tou\j e0rw~ntaj ma=llon
a2n foboi=o), for there are many things that
cause them pain (polla\
ga\r au0tou/j e0sti ta\ lupou=nta),
and everything (kai\
pa/nt’), they think, is done to inflict injury on them
(e0pi\ th=| au9tw~n
bla/bh| nomi/zousi gi/gnesqai). It is for
this reason (dio/per) that they divert their loved ones from
associating with others (kai\
ta\j pro\j tou\j a1llouj tw~n e0rwme/nwn sunousi/aj a0potre/pousin), fearing that those who possess wealth will
outdo them with their money (fobou/menoi
tou\j me\n ou0si/an kekthme/nouj mh\ xrh/masin au0tou\j u9perba/lwntai), and that the educated will come off better
in terms of intellect (tou\j
de\ pepaideume/nouj mh\ sune/sei krei/ttouj ge/nwntai); and they are on their guard against the
potential influence of each of those who possess some other advantage (tw~n de\ a1llo ti kekthme/nwn a0gaqo\n
th\n du/namin e9ka/stou fula/ttontai).
So by persuading you to become an object of dislike to these people (pei/santej me\n ou]n a0pexqe/sqai se
tou/toij), they put you in a position where
you are without friends (ei0j
e0rhmi/an fi/lwn se kaqista=sin), and if
you consider your own interest and show more sense than them (e0a\n de\ to\ seautou= skopw~n
a1meinon e0kei/nwn fronh=|j), you will
come into conflict with them (h3ceij
au0toi=j ei0j diafora/n); whereas those
who happened not to be in love (o3soi de\ mh\ e0rw~ntej e1tuxon),
but achieved what they asked through merit (a0lla\ di’ a0reth\n e1pracan w{n e0de/onto),
would not begrudge those who associate with the object of their attentions (ou0k a2n toi=j sunou=si fqonoi=en), but would hate those who did not wish to do
so (a1lla\ tou\j mh\
e0qe/lontaj misoi=en), thinking that
they were being looked down on by the latter (h9gou/menoi u9p’ e0kei/nwn me\n u9perora=sqai), but helped by the presence of the former (u9po\ de\ tw~n suno/ntwn w}felei=sqai), so that there is much greater expectation (w#ste polu\ plei/wn e0lpi/j) that the other party will gain friends than
enemies from the affair (fili/an
au0toi=j e0k tou= pra/gmatoj h2 e1xqran gene/sqai).
‘Moreover (Kai\ me\n dh/), many of
those in love (tw~n
me\n e0rw&ntwn polloi/) desire a
person’s body before they know his ways (pro/teron tou= sw&matoj e0pequ/mhsan h2 to\n tro/pon e1gnwsan) and gain experience of the other aspects of
his personality (kai\
tw~n a1llwn oi0kei/wn e1mpeiroi e0ge/nonto),
so that it is unclear to them (w#ste
a1dhlon au0toi=j) whether they
will still want friendship to continue (ei0 e1ti to/te boulh/sontai fi/loi ei]nai) when their desire ceases (e0peida\n th=j e0piqumi/aj pau/swntai), whereas for those not in love (toi=j de\ mh\ e0rw~sin), since they were friends with each other
even before they did what they did (oi4 kai\ pro/teron a0llh/loij fi/loi o1ntej tau=ta e1pracan), the things from which they benefit are not
likely to make their friendship less (ou0k a2n e0c w$n a2n eu] pa/qwsi tau=ta ei0ko\j e0la/ttw th\n
fili/an au0toi=j poih=sai), but rather to
remain as memorials (a0lla\
tau=ta mnhmei=a kataleifqh=nai) of things
still to come (tw~n
mello/ntwn e1sesqai). Moreover (kai\ me\n dh/), you should become a better person (belti/oni/ soi prosh/kei gene/sqai) by listening to me than to a lover (e0moi\ peiqome/nw| h2 e0rasth=|). For they praise words and actions even if
it means disregarding what is best (e0kei=noi me\n ga\r kai\ para\ to\ be/ltiston ta/ te lego/mna kai\
ta\ pratto/mena e0painou=sin), in part
because they are afraid to incur dislike (ta\ me\n dedio/tej mh\ a0pe/xqwntai),
in part because their own judgement is weakened as a result of their desire (ta\ de\ kai\ au0toi\ xei=ron dia\ th\n
e0piqumi/an gignw&skontej). For such
are the ways that love displays itself (toiau=ta ga\r o9 e1rwj e0pidei/knutai): if they are unsuccessful (dustuxou=ntaj me/n), it makes them regard as distressing the sorts
of things which cause pain to no one else (a4 mh\ lu/phn toi=j a1lloij pare/xei, a0niara\ poiei= nomi/zein); if they are successful (eu0tuxou=ntaj de\), under its compulsion even things which
ought not to give pleasure receive praise from them (kai\ ta\ mh\ h9donh=j a1cia par’ e0kei/nwn e0pai/nou a0nagka/zei
tugxa/nein), so that it is much more fitting for
their loved ones to pity than to want to emulate them (w#ste polu\ ma=llon e0leei=n toi=j
e0rwme/noij h2 zhlou=n au0tou\j prosh/kei).
But if you listen to me (e0a\n
de/ moi pei/qh|), in the first
place I shall associate with you with an eye not to present pleasure (prw&ton me\n ou0 th\n parou=san
h9donh\n qerapeu/wn sune/somai/ soi),
but also to the benefit which is to come (a0lla\ kai\ th\n me/llousan w)feli/an e1sesqai), because I am not overcome by love (ou0x u9p’ e1rwtoj h9ttw&menoj), but master of myself (a1ll’ e0mautou= kratw~n), not starting violent hostilities because of
small things (ou0de\
dia\ smikra\ i1sxura\n e1xqran a0nairou/menoj),
but feeling slight anger slowly because of large things (a0lla\ dia\ mega/la brade/wj o0li/ghn
o0rgh\n poiou/menoj), forgiving the
unintentional (tw~n
me\n a0kousi/wn suggnw/mhn e1xwn)
and trying to prevent the intentional (ta\ de\ e9kou/sia peirw&menoj a0potre/pein); for these are signs of a friendship which
will last for a long time (tau=ta
ga/r e0sti fili/aj polu\n xro/non e0some/nhj tekmh/ria). But if, after all, you have the thought (ei0 d’ a1ra soi tou=to pare/sthken) that strong affection cannot occur (w(j ou0x oi[o/n te i0sxura\n fili/an
gene/sqai) unless a man is actually in love (e0a/n mh/ tij e0rw~n tugxa/nh|), you should bear in mind (e0nqumei=sqai xrh/) that in that case we would not value our
sons or fathers or mothers (o3ti
ou1t’ a2n tou\j u9ei=j peri\ pollou= e0poiou/meqa
ou1t’ a2n tou\j pate/raj kai\ ta\j mhte/raj), nor would we have trustworthy friends (ou1t’ a2n pistou\j fi/louj e0kekth/meqa), who are the product not of desire of this
sort (oi4 ou0k e0c
e0piqumi/aj toiau/thj gego/nasin)
but of practices of a different kind (a0ll’ e0c e9te/rwn e0pithdeuma/twn).
And
again (E1ti de/), if we should grant favours most to those
who need them most (ei0
xrh\ toi=j deome/noij ma/lista xari/zesqai),
then the rest of mankind too (prosh/kei
kai\ toi=j a1lloij) ought to
benefit not the best people but the most helpless (mh\ tou\j belti/stouj a0lla\ tou\j
a0porwta/touj eu] poiei=n); for since they
have been released from the greatest sufferings (megi/stwn ga\r a0pallage/ntej kakw~n), they will be the most grateful to their
benefactors (plei/sthn
xa/rin au0toi=j ei1sontai). What is more (kai\ me\n dh/), when it comes to private expenditure too (kai\ e0n tai=j i0di/aij dapa/naij), it will be right for them to invite not their
friends (ou0 tou\j
fi/louj a1cion parakalei=n), but those
who beg for their share (a0lla\
tou\j prosaitou=ntaj) and those who
need filling up (kai\
tou\j deome/nouj plhsmonh=j); for they
will treat their benefactors fondly (e0kei=noi ga\r kai\ a0gaph/sousin),
attend on them (kai\
a0kolouqh/sousin), call at their
doors (kai\ e0pi\ ta\j
qu/raj h9cousi), be most delighted (kai\ ma/lista h9sqh/sontai), feel by no means the least gratitude (kai\ ou0k e0laxi/sthn xa/rin ei1sontai), pray for many blessings for them (kai\ polla\ a0gaqa\ au0toi=j eu1contai). Yet rather perhaps (a1ll’ i1swj)
one ought to grant favours not to those who stand in great need of them (prosh/kei ou0 toi=j sfo/dra deome/noij
xari/zesqai), but to those who are most able to
make a return (a0lla\
toi=j ma/lista a0podou=nai xa/rin duname/noij):
not to those who are merely in love with you (ou0de\ toi=j prosaitou=si mo/non), but those who deserve the thing you have to
give (a0lla\ toi=j tou=
pra/gmatoj a0ci/oij): not to those
who will take advantage of your youthful beauty (ou0de\ o3soi th=j sh=j w#raj a0polau/sontai), but those who are of the sort to share
their own advantages with you when you become older (a0ll’oi3tinej presbute/rw| genome/nw| tw~n
sfete/rwn a0gaqw~n metadw&sousin);
not to those who will boast of having achieved their aim to everyone else (ou0de\ oi4 diapraca/menoi pro\j tou\j
a1llouj filotimh/sontai), but the sort
of people who will say nothing to anyone, out of a sense of shame (a0ll’ oi3tinej ai0sxuno/menoi pro\j
a3pantaj siwph/sontai); not to those
who are devoted to you for a short time (ou0de\ toi=j o0li/gon xro/non spouda/zousin), but those whose friendship for you will
remain unaltered throughout their whole life (a0lla\ toi=j o9moi/wj dia\ panto\j tou= bi/ou
fi/loij e0some/noij); not the sort
who will look for an excuse for being at odds with you when their desire ceases
(ou0de oi3tinej
pauo/menoi th=j e0piqumi/aj e1xqraj pro/fasin zhth/sousin), but those who will display their own
qualities just when you have ceased to be in the prime of youth (a0ll’ oi4 pausame/nou th=j w#raj to/te th\n
au9tw~n a0reth\n e0pidei/contai). So I say
to you: remember what has been said (su\ ou]n tw~n te ei0rhme/nwn me/mnhso), and bear in mind (kai\ e0kei=no e0nqumou=) that their friends admonish those in love (o3ti tou\j me\n e0rw~ntaj oi9 fi/loi
nouqetou=sin) because they regard what they do as
bad (w(j o1ntoj kakou=
tou= e0pithdeu/matoj), whereas those
not in love (toi=j de\
mh\ e0rw~sin) have never been blamed by any of
those close to them (ou0dei=j
pw&pote tw~n oi0kei/wn e0me/myato)
for making bad decisions on that score about their own interests (w(j dia\ tou=to kakw~j bouleuome/nouj
peri\ e9autw~n).
‘You will perhaps ask me, then (I!swj a2n ou]n e1roio/ me), if I advise you to grant favours to all
those who are not in love with you (ei0 a3pasi/n soi parainw~ toi=j mh\ e0rw~si xari/zesqai). I for my part think that not even the man
who was in love with you (e0gw_
me\n oi]mai ou0d’ a2n to\n e0rw~nta) would tell
you to take this attitude to all those who were (pro\j a3panta/j se keleu/ein tou\j e0rw~ntaj tau/thn
e1xein th\n dia/noian). For neither
would it merit equal gratitude from the receiver (ou1te ga\r tw|~ lamba/nonti xa/ritoj
i1shj a1cion), nor would it be possible for you to
keep things secret from everyone else in the same way, if you wished to do so (ou1te soi boulome/nw| tou\j a1llouj
lanqa/nein o9moi/wj dunato/n); but from
the thing no harm should come (dei=
de\ bla/bhn me\n a0p’ au0tou= mhdemi/an), only
benefit to both parties (w)feli/an
de\ a0mfoi=n gi/gnesqai). So then I
think I have said enough (e0gw_
me\n ou]n i9kana/ moi nomi/zw ta\ ei0rhme/na);
but if you miss something which you think has been left out (ei0 de/ ti su\ poqei=j, h9gou/menoj paralelei=fqai), ask it (e0rw&ta).’
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